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GeekDad has another reliably interesting list today — Father’s Day Gift Suggestions.
I’m sort of a geek — it’s my fault the boys are fully invested in Star Wars, including the endlessly exciting Lego Star Wars Nintendo game. But, with a nod to GeekDad, I thought I’d put together a list of things that readers of Daddy’s Time blog might have on their gift lists.
So, in no particular order, here is a list of Father’s Day gifts appropriate for the single father or the divorced father, with some overlap between the two:
- A day with the kids, with no travel between houses involved. Just a Father’s Day when we can wake up with our kids in the next bedroom.
- A day free from harassing, attacking or complaining phone calls from the ex. If she wants to call and talk to the kids, thats fine — it’s welcomed. But if the phone conversations are made up of whining and moaning on her end telling a toddler how much she misses him and loves him and is sorry they arent together, then we dont want it.
- A day when the boys are dropped off wearing clothes that are in some way similar to the quality of clothes they left the house wearing. I’m tired of sending them to school in nice pants, collared shirts and underwear that fits only to have them returned in floods and stained shirts.
- A day of kids’ activities, attended by my wife and I as well as the boys’ mom, such as a tee-ball or soccer game, without angry stares, “look at me” loud talking or coddling the boys so much that they dont want to even get on the field.
- One day when my parental decisions arent questioned for the sake of questioning them. Just one.
- A day observed by courts, lawyers and police as one dedicated to the fact that fathers are parents just like mothers.
- One day where I am allowed to keep something more than 60% of my own paycheck instead of handing it over to the boys’ mother, who, along with her live-in boyfriend (as an example), work barely more than one full-time job but nevertheless live in a quaint McMansion in the quiet suburbs.
- Just one day to live in a non-rented home, where we can afford our own landscaping and appliances — a home our sons can brag about to their friends, with a backyard full enough of toys and games, bikes and trampolines.
Father’s Day has always been the second day for parents. And fathers always take a back seat to mothers whenever possible — going to the doctor, going to school, playing sports, going to birthday parties — the list goes on. A nice gift for divorced and single fathers, aside from just a day, would be for people to start seeing us as real parents — unique, competent and happy in our role as guides for our children’s youthful development.
So, with a few weeks to go before the official day, I’d like to extend a warm “Happy Day for Fathers” message to all my readers here and to fathers everywhere.
It’s that time of year again, when Parent-Teacher Conferences are running strong. If you were fortunate enough to have received proper advance notice of the event, you got the chance to engage in this all important milestone in the education of your children. I say “fortunate” because, as we know, not every school notice makes its way through Mommy’s house to Daddy’s house. And this event is so important because it gives us a chance to learn about and discuss our children from someone else’s perspective.
The idea of Parental Alienation, controversial in itself, isnt so widely known as it should be. Whether it fits or deserves to fit into a clinical or legal category of behavior, when we examine what it means, it is obvious that it happens. Wikipedia defines Parental Alienation Syndrome like this:
a putative disorder proposed by Richard A. Gardner as “a disturbance in which children are obsessively preoccupied with depreciation and/or criticism of a parent. In other words, denigration that is unjustified and or exaggerated.” Although Parental Alienation Syndrome has not gained official recognition as a psychological disorder, case law has recognized it in child custody disputes.
So, Parental Alienation, whether a disorder or a crime or not, is when a child is exposed to and responds in kind to criticism of one or both of his parents. As divorced fathers, it’s not tough to find examples of when this has happened. Most of the controversy has to do with how this criticism affects children in the long-term. But it does happen, and it’s not limited to the other parent, either. Children become alienated from their fathers when courts make biased judgments against them, keeping them from their dads for reasons absent of evidence or cause. Children become alienated from their fathers when mothers make “kitchen-table complaints” — a term I just invented to describe those conversations had between adults in the home where kids are within earshot, even at the table — about dad’s “problems,” be they problems that might have contributed to the divorce or behaviors that mom doesnt agree with even after the separation.
And children become alienated from their fathers when the classroom environment includes decisions, questions or models of behavior that exclude the child’s second home, second set of parents, or even their second set of experiences. This can include encouraging the child to learn only one home phone number and address, or always asking, “what did you do at mommy’s house this weekend?” or sending notes to one house but not the other (notes that parents refer to with their kids, and which the kids notice is missing from one house), or including only one parent in extracurricular activities. Of course, as the kids grow up, the situations will be different, and I’m sure I’m only listing a small number of possible scenarios.
But we can do things to counter this, and so I’ve made a list.
1. Use the term carefully. Some people know what you’re talking about when you say “Parental Alienation.” But even if they dont, when they hear it for the first time, it just sounds bad. There’s a damn good reason for this — it is bad. But you dont want to create an automatically confrontational relationship or exchange unless you have to. I’m not suggesting that you never use those words, just that you use them with care. If you think the teacher is acting in good faith but might be making some mistakes in how she handles or acknowledges your child’s relationship with you, then you may want to focus on the behavior and not the phrase. If any bad situations continue, especially after you’ve specifically addressed them, then it may become valuable to introduce the term, so that the teacher fully understands how serious you are, and how serious the situation is.
2. Be specific. Yes, your child’s teacher is supposed to be (and probably is) a highly trained and intelligent individual, and it’s completely reasonable for you to expect him or her to be able to keep track of which kids in the class have any kind of unique home situation — be it a shared custody arrangement, being raised by grandparents or other non-parent relatives, or one involving a sibling or parent with an illness or other severe affliction. However, making valid but vague complaints about something he or she might be doing at some point in the course of a busy school day, over a period of several weeks or months, can actually make the problem worse, either because the teacher may be unlikely or unwilling to believe you, not being able to refer to something tangible that can be remembered and put in context, or because there isnt an “action item” against which to judge or compare future behavior. You need to be able to say, “this is what I see,” and “this is what I’d like to see.”
3. Pay attention. This may seem obvious. Of course you pay attention to your kids and their school. To do less would be bad parenting, and you’re not reading this blog because you’re a bad father. But the school day is long and complex. Consider a day at work for you, and the sheer quantity of relationships and projects or tasks you encounter on a given day. In one day alone, you may have a conversation with your boss, ten conversations with your co-workers, or more, and you may cross off a half-dozen or more tasks from your to-do list. Or you may have to deal with a hundred customers, or put together a thousand widgets, or clean dozens of floors and windows. Whatever you do during the course of your workday probably pales in comparison to what your child does at school. Personally, I sit at a desk, work on electronic files and reports, talk to a small group of coworkers about various projects, and have two or three meetings to attend. On the other hand, my oldest son has a half-dozen ‘subjects’ during each day, covering math, reading, science, art, music, gym, computers, etc. Add to that time for two recesses, a lunch period, and free time, and you have a pretty full day for a pretty small kid. And during each of those activities, a teacher is present, providing support, answers, guidance or just a leadership role in the community of the classroom. And we all know how tough it can be for a young child to talk about anything that happens at school, much less everything. So we can make a conscious attempt to learn about what our kids are experiencing at school in a number of different ways, and it’s going to benefit everyone, and it will help us provide the teachers with important feedback. One trick I learned from Parent Hacks is to turn the practice of telling each other about our days into a game — we go around the table taking turns telling each other about 3 Things We Did Today. The trick is, one of the Things is pretend. So me, my wife, and the boys will try to trick each other by making up something that could have happened, but didnt. This encourages them (and us) to think about what we did or what made us laugh today, or what we saw today, etc. The possibilities are endless, and before we know it, we’re learning more about what our kids experience each day. Another way to get kids to talk about school is to expand on what we talk about with them when we go over their homework. Instead of just talking about the questions or problems they answered in their homework, ask them about what else the class did that day to learn those concepts, or, if part of the schoolwork they brought home included open-ended questions, ask them about what some of the other kids had as their answers. Even asking our kids if they enjoyed recess today can spur them to remember something they’d like to share. And keep in mind — we’re not doing this in order to cull secret information about how their teachers are treating them, we’re doing this to learn about their experiences and how they see school from their own eyes, and it is that peek into their lives which can give us clues about their development, which can include their experiences with teachers as well as fellow classmates, all of which are important details that we benefit from learning, and the kids benefit from sharing. And by making these exchanges become part of our routine with our children, it can help provide insight into possible problems that they might be having, in any shape or form, including the topic at hand.
4. Be positive. Maintaining a positive outlook in many areas of our lives can be compromised by a problematic relationship with our children’s other parent or a complicated and adversarial custody situation. Nevertheless, it bears repeating that our children benefit from smiles more than from frowns, no matter what the situation is or how serious it can become. If we remember to approach possibly harmful situations with a positive attitude, remembering to focus on solutions instead of problems, and keeping in mind that others will treat our emergencies more productively in a collaborative and forward-thinking environment, we can have a good deal of influence on some of the people who might be inadvertently making mistakes in how they teach our children. Further, this approach can provide an automatic “out” for the teacher who, once approached, immediately sees the problem as real and important, and who wants to do a better job, or at least do right by their students, but who might otherwise feel attacked. This is especially important, again, if we are introducing the problem for the first time. Remember that there was a time when we didnt know what Parental Alienation was, even though we might have known divorced parents or children of divorced parents. And, even if just once, if we give the teacher the benefit of the doubt, we are setting them up to provide better classroom surroundings for our kids.
5. Be strong. Ah, yeah – we’re dads, so we’re always strong, right? Thats what people think, but it’s not always the case. Do not, under any circumstances, allow your self-doubt about your value as a parent to prevent you from standing your ground and standing up for what you know to be right, especially in this case, when it has to do with your children. Your instincts are just as valuable as mommy’s instincts, and if you notice behavior in your child’s teacher that requires feedback and correcting, point it out. Use as part of your confidence this list — it pays to be careful, and specific, and attentive, and positive, but most of all, it pays to be strong and to stick to your guns. Some may disagree (I dont), but Parental Alienation can, in many cases, turn into an irreversible problem, and the things that your child’s first-grade teacher instills in your child may have ramifications five, ten years from now. At the same time, as a parent who has chosen to be involved and investing in your child’s life, you are in a unique position to make sure that your child grows up with both parents — a critical factor in their growth and development into adulthood. You owe it to your child to be on the lookout for potentially dangerous situations, be they traffic accidents or harmful propaganda. By protecting them from Parental Alienation, you are not only affirming your role in their lives, but also the role of the other parent, and this is, therefore, despite the sometimes sneers you might get, a superbly heroic endeavor. You should congratulate yourself for being such a great parent, in fact, that you are insisting on remaining in their lives. Dont let the mistakes or assumptions of others get in the way of your parenting.
Some people claim that Parental Alienation isnt as bad as it seems, or isnt permanent, or isnt something that can be controlled. But I’ve found that those people who feel that way are usually invested in that belief to some degree, which doesnt make it true, and in fact gives them a bad reason for doubting it in the first place. These people include the parent doing the alienating, the court system, which benefits from an imbalance in custody orders, and anyone else who wants to insist that the children grow up in an environment that isnt the best for them, like grandparents who dont like the fact that their grandkids arent always at mommy’s house every single weekend.
But most of us have seen Parental Alienation up close and personal, and we dont have to accept it just because it’s difficult to deal with. Our child’s school is, as I said, a huge part of their lives, and by focusing on every aspect of it, including teacher influence, we are doing right by our kids, and we can always take comfort in doing right by our kids.
Hi and greetings and welcome one and all to Daddy’s Time blog.
This isnt meant to be another retread of another blog by another father. This is a blog about being a father in a shared-custody arrangement. Our challenges are unique and interesting, and I hope to write about those challenges in a way which both informs and assists most humbly all the other fathers out there who are dealing with similar situations. And I think that what we discuss here at Daddy’s Time blog will be of interest to parents everywhere.
As we know, western society is not particularly supportive of the paternal role of men in families. We hear lots about how the paternal role of men throughout history has adversely affected politics and society, but when it comes to parenting, fathers are often left to fend for themselves and are rarely acknowledged in most serious discussions about parenting in general.
I hope to change that, even in some small way. While we may be under-appreciated, we’re certainly not useless. The role a father plays in a child’s life, from birth to adulthood and beyond, is one of the most critical relationships in a person’s life, for both the father and the child. We’re going to celebrate that relationship here, and we’re going to focus on it from a real-time point of view.
I am the father of two young boys who are just now getting to school age. As we progress, we’ll all learn more about one another. The boys’ mother and I have been separated/divorced for nearly five years. While it was anything but easy, my new family and I have managed to gain a decent amount of Daddy’s Time. We’re not done yet, but, when it comes to this blog, we’re just getting started.
So grab a chair, grab a feed or just bookmark the site. We’re in this for a lifetime, after all.
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