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GeekDad has another reliably interesting list today — Father’s Day Gift Suggestions.
I’m sort of a geek — it’s my fault the boys are fully invested in Star Wars, including the endlessly exciting Lego Star Wars Nintendo game. But, with a nod to GeekDad, I thought I’d put together a list of things that readers of Daddy’s Time blog might have on their gift lists.
So, in no particular order, here is a list of Father’s Day gifts appropriate for the single father or the divorced father, with some overlap between the two:
- A day with the kids, with no travel between houses involved. Just a Father’s Day when we can wake up with our kids in the next bedroom.
- A day free from harassing, attacking or complaining phone calls from the ex. If she wants to call and talk to the kids, thats fine — it’s welcomed. But if the phone conversations are made up of whining and moaning on her end telling a toddler how much she misses him and loves him and is sorry they arent together, then we dont want it.
- A day when the boys are dropped off wearing clothes that are in some way similar to the quality of clothes they left the house wearing. I’m tired of sending them to school in nice pants, collared shirts and underwear that fits only to have them returned in floods and stained shirts.
- A day of kids’ activities, attended by my wife and I as well as the boys’ mom, such as a tee-ball or soccer game, without angry stares, “look at me” loud talking or coddling the boys so much that they dont want to even get on the field.
- One day when my parental decisions arent questioned for the sake of questioning them. Just one.
- A day observed by courts, lawyers and police as one dedicated to the fact that fathers are parents just like mothers.
- One day where I am allowed to keep something more than 60% of my own paycheck instead of handing it over to the boys’ mother, who, along with her live-in boyfriend (as an example), work barely more than one full-time job but nevertheless live in a quaint McMansion in the quiet suburbs.
- Just one day to live in a non-rented home, where we can afford our own landscaping and appliances — a home our sons can brag about to their friends, with a backyard full enough of toys and games, bikes and trampolines.
Father’s Day has always been the second day for parents. And fathers always take a back seat to mothers whenever possible — going to the doctor, going to school, playing sports, going to birthday parties — the list goes on. A nice gift for divorced and single fathers, aside from just a day, would be for people to start seeing us as real parents — unique, competent and happy in our role as guides for our children’s youthful development.
So, with a few weeks to go before the official day, I’d like to extend a warm “Happy Day for Fathers” message to all my readers here and to fathers everywhere.
Banana Splits Resource Center — Support Groups for Children with Divorced/Deceased Parents
I “received” a notice this morning that Seven has the opportunity to get involved with the “Banana Splits” program at his school. By “received,” of course, I mean that I was handed a permission slip this morning by BM (short for “Biological Mother” or “Baby Mama” or “Baroness von Munchausen” — take your pick) as I was dropping Four off at her house. Seven’s teacher knows or ought to know by now that she is supposed to be sending home two copies of everything. BM claimed that she received the permission slip on Friday. But the fact that it was due back to school today makes that claim seem a bit less true.
Either way, Seven will now participate in this program. I tried to put the slip in my pocket so I could review the information and make a decision, but that was prevented by BM who said the thing was due back immediately. Sure it was. Even though we dropped Seven off at school this morning without returning the slip that we didnt know about until close to 10 am this morning. Anyway, the information provided on the back of the slip seemed reasonable enough.
And BM added her favorite line to the equation, which was (and always is), “Seven is really looking forward to it.” She said the same thing about a birthday party that Four attended yesterday. Before knowing if we were able to bring him to the party, she had told him about it. Her Grand Plans involve setting the boys up for being disappointed in their father. Very simply, there is no reason to tell the kids to expect something if one of the parents making the decision about that thing has yet to make the decision. Idiot.
Anyway, this morning I did some research on this “Banana Splits” program and I’ll admit that I’m actually less impressed about it — rather, more concerned about it — than I was at first. Briefly — the program was established in 1978 by a social worker in upstate New York as a way to counsel and educate children going through a divorce or dealing with a custody situation, or children of deceased parents.
It’s not unimportant that children of divorce are grouped with children of deceased parents. In most cases of divorce, one parent, usually the mother, is able to effectively kill the other parent through the custody and support process.
But this wasnt the case with Seven and Four, my two sons. And through no fault of their mother’s, I assure you. Despite her best efforts, as well as the efforts of her disfunctional and aggressively ignorant extended family, the boys enjoy a relatively equal (though not completely so) parenting arrangement. As I read through a lot of the information available online about this Banana Splits program, I see that the thing was mostly designed for children who, through either death or divorce, live primarily with one parent.
What bothers me most about the program is the focus on anger. Just look at how the program describes some of its own ideas:
III. Crafts
“Pillows” – For cuddling or smacking: self soothing or harmless discharge. From an old sheet, cut rectangles twice as long as they are wide. Turn over about a half inch all the way around to make a smooth edge and iron it flat. Have the kids create a personal design for their pillows, using paper for a rough draft. Let them share and discuss their choice of design. Fold over the cloth rectangle, put cardboard between the cloth sides to prevent color bleeding, and then copy the design onto half the rectangle with permanent Sharpie markers. Have the kids stitch two sides shut, stuff the pillow with polyester fluff, and then stitch the remaining side shut. Kids keep these for years.
“Mad Cookies” – Learning to do something creative with anger. Make a smooth cookie dough without any hard bits such as chocolate or raisins. Place one Ziploc baggie inside another for double strength, then put a small amount of dough inside each, press out the air, and zip shut. Explain that these cookies taste better the more the dough is beaten, and then let the kids pound it. (Have extra baggies on hand in case of breakage.) Bake and eat, or let the kids take home their dough with baking instructions. Next meeting, ask the younger kids: who had the chance to bake their cookies? who helped them at home? (Thanks to Helen Fitzgerald, VA.)
Anger is a recurring theme. The program assumes that children are exposed to angry situations and those of conflict. While this is often true for many kids, the idea of Seven sitting in a room full of angry kids, or kids encouraged to find anger among their emotions makes me very concerned. When BM initiated the physical removal of the children from their father (me), Seven was 3 and Four wasnt even born yet. Their particular custody situation is something they’ve lived with most of their lives. And while we might expect Dad to be relatively clueless to the inner workings of their minds, my partner and I are constantly reminded and congratulated for raising such well-behaved, polite and helpful young boys. We maintain an open dialog with them, one which I think has even improved on that which my partner and I experienced as children in our “un-broken” homes.
I dont object to having my kids learn ways to understand and cope with their feelings. And obviously part of their experience involves growing up in two homes, which can be challenging for both the kids and their teachers. And it’s not unimportant to recognize that, while my partner and I — married, stable and highly involved in the boys’ lives — are creating a positive environment for them, they may not be exposed to a similar situation at their other house with their mother and her current boyfriend. Impossible to go into in a post like this is the fact that BM still obviously suffers greatly from the split, is always reminding the boys that they are different, constantly puts their education and other experiences into the context of a divided family, and is repeatedly reminding them that there is a conflict between her and me.
I cant possibly categorically reject the idea of my kids getting involved in a program like Banana Splits. But it does worry me — the tone it takes and the things it seems to assume about what the kids are dealing with. It is simply impossible for even a small group of children to adequately learn from a generalized program like this which is going to cater to those kids who do fit the apparent profile of children in a conflicted family. So I worry that their experiences will be filtered into these negative assumptions.
We’ll have to see how it goes. Maybe the application of these ideas promoted by the program is less presumptuous and negative than their summary makes them seem. I certainly hope so.
Hi and greetings and welcome one and all to Daddy’s Time blog.
This isnt meant to be another retread of another blog by another father. This is a blog about being a father in a shared-custody arrangement. Our challenges are unique and interesting, and I hope to write about those challenges in a way which both informs and assists most humbly all the other fathers out there who are dealing with similar situations. And I think that what we discuss here at Daddy’s Time blog will be of interest to parents everywhere.
As we know, western society is not particularly supportive of the paternal role of men in families. We hear lots about how the paternal role of men throughout history has adversely affected politics and society, but when it comes to parenting, fathers are often left to fend for themselves and are rarely acknowledged in most serious discussions about parenting in general.
I hope to change that, even in some small way. While we may be under-appreciated, we’re certainly not useless. The role a father plays in a child’s life, from birth to adulthood and beyond, is one of the most critical relationships in a person’s life, for both the father and the child. We’re going to celebrate that relationship here, and we’re going to focus on it from a real-time point of view.
I am the father of two young boys who are just now getting to school age. As we progress, we’ll all learn more about one another. The boys’ mother and I have been separated/divorced for nearly five years. While it was anything but easy, my new family and I have managed to gain a decent amount of Daddy’s Time. We’re not done yet, but, when it comes to this blog, we’re just getting started.
So grab a chair, grab a feed or just bookmark the site. We’re in this for a lifetime, after all.
