But it ended for the Hershey Little League Colts 9 team sponsored by Hershey Realty or, as we liked to call ourselves, the Blue Jays. And my royal blue coach’s jersey hangs soaked in sweat and rain over the chair in the next room.

Waking up in the morning, we werent entirely free of concern about whether we’d pull off the game at all. We knew going in that at least two of our best players would be out of town. Friday night’s weather report threatened rain, even thunderstorms. Recent real storms had forced us to reschedule this final game at least twice and to move the field just as many times, to make way at the main league field for older age group playoffs.

When I arrived at the field, our little boys in blue were playing catch on the infield dirt. As I did before every game, arriving between 20-30 minutes before the first pitch, I made a quick count of our players. Normally, each team fields 10 kids – one for every normal infield position and four outfielders. There were twelve kids on our roster, but not since the second game did we have a full crew all at once, so, for most games, each kid was able to play the whole game without substitution. When I got to the field on Saturday, I counted 8. By the time we called “play ball!”, two more – the brother and sister pair – had made it to the field.

Unfortunately, our opponents for the day, dressed in yellow, were six kids short of a team. A few players and even some coaches for the other side thought that we werent playing until 3 in the afternoon, so we delayed the start of the game for almost a half hour to give everyone time to arrive. We juggled the lineups and field positions just so we could get the game in, and for the first two innings, we lent our opponents in the yellow jerseys two outfielders. And we inserted coaches as catchers for most of the game and pitchers for the entire game in order to occupy more positions in the field.

These are but minor details. We started late, but there was no game behind us, so we were in no rush, and nobody in the park, players, coaches or parents alike, had any desire to forfeit the last game of the season for any reason. The game would go on. It had to.

With our two best hitters – who were also the most reliable gloves – absent, the pressure was on me to offer up some slow sweet pitches, giving the kids the best chance at putting the bat on the ball. Still, it took us about three innings to find our hitting groove, and before we knew it, we were losing 12-0. There is no worse feeling for a pee-wee baseball coach than striking out three batters in a row. Each inning, I moved a little closer to the plate, trying to reduce the vertical curve of the ball without throwing it too hard. But as I got closer, they got better, and four times I had to duck all the way to the dirt to avoid getting hit in the face with a mean line drive.

We had our standard problems and beautiful small victories, despite the early score. We even had a double play, and every one of our kids was able to get on base at least once. Thats a big deal – these are 7- and 8-year-olds. Next year, a full third will probably have turned in their gloves for video games or music lessons. At 7 and 8, just about every boy and girl tries soccer and baseball, but attrition comes quick. We had our share of clover-pickers and daydreamers, but by the end of the season, every kid, from the best to the least best, had improved greatly in their own way. My son was one of the most improved from start to finish – this being his first season playing the sport. In April and May, my playing catch with him meant that I had to throw my back out, reliably, having to bend down on every throw just to pick the ball back up off the grass. But when we played catch a few nights ago, he was throwing it right to me and he was catching most of my throws as well. And his batting went from shy and nervous to confident and quick, and when he first rounded third and headed for home about midway through the season, with me fortuitously manning the 3rd base coach spot and waving him home, earning a probably over-done hug from his old man, he didnt stop there – he’s been getting better every game.

He wasnt the only one. We had a few nice pop fly catches, a great throw from shortstop to first, and they even got the hang of backing each other up.

<img style=”max-width: 800px;” src=”http://www.remnants.nine9pages.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/out-of-the-dugout.jpg” width=”354″ height=”532″ /><div align=”center”><small><i>Out of the dugout and onto the field.</i></small></div><br />

There were still some little league moments, where we looked like the Bad News Bears. Jordan took a shot to the nose – playing in left field, a pop fly bounced a few feet in front of him and took a bad hop right at his face. We took him off the field and iced his nose for only a few minutes before he was wiping away the tears and running back out onto the field.

The drama of the game took on an extra bit of excitement when the dark clouds moving towards us from the west opened up for a 5-minute drenching downpour. We were in the field, and our kids suddenly leapt to life. Like a dozen blooming flowers our strange gang of first and second graders jumped with joy and yelped with glee, thrilled with the weather and very quickly soaked to the bone. And I was in the midst of it, standing next to my oldest son in left-center field, giving guidance and encouragement to our team, letting them know where the play was and reminding them to pay attention. Suddenly my youngest son ran out onto the field to stand next to me, his short-cropped hair and white shirt soaked all the way through and grinning from ear to ear. He wasnt there for any reason other than to try to share some of what the team was feeling, and there was no way I was going to tell him to get off the field. He was fine right where he was.

By the end of the game every kid and coach on the field and every parent and sibling sitting on the bleachers increasingly revealed the same intense yearning, as if driven by some psychic magnetism, to hold fast to the diamond. Even though we never caught up in the score, both teams were having so much fun that we extended the game a full two extra innings, and in the last inning we ignored the outs and just let both teams bat around.

Nobody wanted to go home. We had an up and down season, some good games, some frustrating ones. Some tears and some surprises, and our share of pouting and shuffling bored back to the dugout, dropping balls, running the wrong way, and bumps, scrapes and bruises. And at least once a game I found myself tying someone’s shoe, and we even had a surprise appearance by a baby toad in the outfield. But as this last game neared the final out, and the storm clouds had given way to blue skies, the atmosphere seemed to murmur the melancholic gratitude we all shared – a season, or any similar experience, doesnt need to be perfect or brilliant or unbeatable in order to be memorable – in order to be something we never want to let go of.

I wasnt the head coach. I volunteered before the first practice and it was the best decision I’ve made in quite some time. It was an experience I’ll never forget, but it was also the kind of experience that can inspire more of the same. We can always look back on the pictures and videos we made during this season, but those tangible reminders dont need to be all that endures as a result of what we did this year. Both of my sons made new friends because of this team. I made new friends, too. And I got to be the first to congratulate so many kids on things they had never done before – their first hit, their first double play, their first run, their first catch. Giving them high-fives, hugs and fist bumps, when their emotions are quivering excitedly between shock and impossibly pure joy, is like nothing else in the world.

When, as adults, we can live vicariously through the developing emotional and physical education of our children and their friends, themselves growing to realize and appreciate what it mean to be part of a team, it finally makes me believe that we can get high on life.

So I’m sad tonight, because it’s over. My jersey is hanging there. My partner and I must have lamented about the end of the season for more than an hour after we got home today, reminiscing about all the good times we shared. But I’m also happy, because I know that it’s only this season that has ended – and because this season is the start of something that can last for a very long time, if we want it to. It doesnt matter if it inspires another baseball season, or a set of piano lessons, or a new adventure in camping, painting or learning how to hustle friends at the poker table. The inspiration is there for us to do with it as we choose.

So this goes out to all of our kids – Cameron, Jack C., Jack E., Jackson, Jonathan, Jordan, Kieran, Liberty, Luke, Miles, Wyatt and Zach. I love you all. And to our coaches, Vinnie and Brian, and our volunteers who stepped up to help whenever we needed help – Carly and Jake and Dan the Bat Man, and everybody else. And to every kid we played against, and all the coaches in between. I’m grateful to all of them for letting me in on their ride, and I always will be. So even when the rain washes our footprints away from today’s dirt, I’m pretty sure we’ll be able to find our way back the way we came, whichever direction it points us in down the road.

It’s not enough that every time I read them a Dr. Seuss book, especially the “read to me” ones (as opposed to the “I can read” ones), I end up tucking the boys into bed using spontaneous and improvisational couplets, but now I’m being teased with a resource for improving on the accent I use for Hagrid…apparently it’s a popular effort.

The British Library Collect Britain Project. For those of you planning on reading the Harry Potter books to your geeklets, spend a few hours here listening to over 650 extracts from the Survey of English Dialects. Search by place name or date to find that perfect Hagrid accent.

I cant help but get animated when I’m reading stories to the kids, as long as I can avoid “reading” picture books and the horrible Disney collection texts. So I’ll have to explore some of these titles if only to get some tips for those moments during Harry Potter when I run out of available cockney accents.

I “received” a notice this morning that Seven has the opportunity to get involved with the “Banana Splits” program at his school. By “received,” of course, I mean that I was handed a permission slip this morning by BM (short for “Biological Mother” or “Baby Mama” or “Baroness von Munchausen” — take your pick) as I was dropping Four off at her house. Seven’s teacher knows or ought to know by now that she is supposed to be sending home two copies of everything. BM claimed that she received the permission slip on Friday. But the fact that it was due back to school today makes that claim seem a bit less true.

Either way, Seven will now participate in this program. I tried to put the slip in my pocket so I could review the information and make a decision, but that was prevented by BM who said the thing was due back immediately. Sure it was. Even though we dropped Seven off at school this morning without returning the slip that we didnt know about until close to 10 am this morning. Anyway, the information provided on the back of the slip seemed reasonable enough.

And BM added her favorite line to the equation, which was (and always is), “Seven is really looking forward to it.” She said the same thing about a birthday party that Four attended yesterday. Before knowing if we were able to bring him to the party, she had told him about it. Her Grand Plans involve setting the boys up for being disappointed in their father. Very simply, there is no reason to tell the kids to expect something if one of the parents making the decision about that thing has yet to make the decision. Idiot.

Anyway, this morning I did some research on this “Banana Splits” program and I’ll admit that I’m actually less impressed about it — rather, more concerned about it — than I was at first. Briefly — the program was established in 1978 by a social worker in upstate New York as a way to counsel and educate children going through a divorce or dealing with a custody situation, or children of deceased parents.

It’s not unimportant that children of divorce are grouped with children of deceased parents. In most cases of divorce, one parent, usually the mother, is able to effectively kill the other parent through the custody and support process.

But this wasnt the case with Seven and Four, my two sons. And through no fault of their mother’s, I assure you. Despite her best efforts, as well as the efforts of her disfunctional and aggressively ignorant extended family, the boys enjoy a relatively equal (though not completely so) parenting arrangement. As I read through a lot of the information available online about this Banana Splits program, I see that the thing was mostly designed for children who, through either death or divorce, live primarily with one parent.

What bothers me most about the program is the focus on anger. Just look at how the program describes some of its own ideas:

III. Crafts

“Pillows” – For cuddling or smacking: self soothing or harmless discharge. From an old sheet, cut rectangles twice as long as they are wide. Turn over about a half inch all the way around to make a smooth edge and iron it flat. Have the kids create a personal design for their pillows, using paper for a rough draft. Let them share and discuss their choice of design. Fold over the cloth rectangle, put cardboard between the cloth sides to prevent color bleeding, and then copy the design onto half the rectangle with permanent Sharpie markers. Have the kids stitch two sides shut, stuff the pillow with polyester fluff, and then stitch the remaining side shut. Kids keep these for years.

“Mad Cookies” – Learning to do something creative with anger. Make a smooth cookie dough without any hard bits such as chocolate or raisins. Place one Ziploc baggie inside another for double strength, then put a small amount of dough inside each, press out the air, and zip shut. Explain that these cookies taste better the more the dough is beaten, and then let the kids pound it. (Have extra baggies on hand in case of breakage.) Bake and eat, or let the kids take home their dough with baking instructions. Next meeting, ask the younger kids: who had the chance to bake their cookies? who helped them at home? (Thanks to Helen Fitzgerald, VA.)

Anger is a recurring theme. The program assumes that children are exposed to angry situations and those of conflict. While this is often true for many kids, the idea of Seven sitting in a room full of angry kids, or kids encouraged to find anger among their emotions makes me very concerned. When BM initiated the physical removal of the children from their father (me), Seven was 3 and Four wasnt even born yet. Their particular custody situation is something they’ve lived with most of their lives. And while we might expect Dad to be relatively clueless to the inner workings of their minds, my partner and I are constantly reminded and congratulated for raising such well-behaved, polite and helpful young boys. We maintain an open dialog with them, one which I think has even improved on that which my partner and I experienced as children in our “un-broken” homes.

I dont object to having my kids learn ways to understand and cope with their feelings. And obviously part of their experience involves growing up in two homes, which can be challenging for both the kids and their teachers. And it’s not unimportant to recognize that, while my partner and I — married, stable and highly involved in the boys’ lives — are creating a positive environment for them, they may not be exposed to a similar situation at their other house with their mother and her current boyfriend. Impossible to go into in a post like this is the fact that BM still obviously suffers greatly from the split, is always reminding the boys that they are different, constantly puts their education and other experiences into the context of a divided family, and is repeatedly reminding them that there is a conflict between her and me.

I cant possibly categorically reject the idea of my kids getting involved in a program like Banana Splits. But it does worry me — the tone it takes and the things it seems to assume about what the kids are dealing with. It is simply impossible for even a small group of children to adequately learn from a generalized program like this which is going to cater to those kids who do fit the apparent profile of children in a conflicted family. So I worry that their experiences will be filtered into these negative assumptions.

We’ll have to see how it goes. Maybe the application of these ideas promoted by the program is less presumptuous and negative than their summary makes them seem. I certainly hope so.

Geekdad offers some tips borrowed from a new Consumer Reports magazine called ShopSmart about the best days and times to engage in different activities or tasks with your children.

Having to work around a custody schedule can make some parenting tasks more difficult than they should be. I remember when my ex and I first separated — the custody schedule originally provided for me to spend mere hours a week with my kids. Seven (our seven-year-old) had always insisted that I be the one to cut his fingernails. He usually panicked around the clippers, but we had a little routine worked out where I would trim one nail at a time, pausing to ask him, “Did that hurt?”, and he’d smile and say, “Yes,” and I would move on to the next one. I respected his fear but didnt let it get in the way of doing what we had to do, and he enjoyed having the opportunity to own his feelings on the matter, even though it didnt really hurt.

But being allowed only a few hours each week didnt give us many opportunities for normal parent-child interactions. Since our time was so limited, I would pick him up and take him to the town library, where we would spend about 90 minutes reading and working on the public computers before I brought him back. But he still needed his fingernails to be cut, so we’d do this in the library’s family restroom.

At some point during a custody conference, the issue of trimming his nails came up, and the custody officer appeared horrified to discover that I was doing this in a public restroom instead of at home. That was the first time I had to restrain myself, but I still expressed a great deal of frustration, telling this idiot custody officer that if she had “granted” me the “privilege” of being able to spend more than 2 hours a week with my own children, I wouldnt have to conduct personal hygiene tasks in a public bathroom. She immediately shut up on the issue.

Geekdad’s suggestions include the best time to:

Grocery Shop with Your Kids? The day after the supermarket’s ads come out, and right after breakfast or lunch on weekdays.

* Why? This is when you can get good deals and there are plenty of on-sale items left in stock. When the aisles aren’t clogged with after-work and weekend shoppers, you’ll navigate faster with your cart and kids.
* Hint: If your kids have eaten before you leave, you’ll spend less on “gimme” items like fruit roll-ups and crackers. Also, bring snacks for your kids to munch on while you’re shopping.

Working around a custody schedule adds an extra layer to the challenge of finding the best times to get things done with your kids. What are some good methods of managing time in these circumstances?

1. Plan ahead — brief periods of custody time are compounded by travel time. If you’re spending part of your custody time just getting your kids from one place to the next, by planning ahead, you can combine trip times by doing some chores on the way home or on the way back to the ex’s house. But to do this takes planning — know ahead of time if you need to do grocery shopping before a weekday custody period, for instance. Especially with young kids, the act of getting in the car can take lots of time — tying shoes, bundling up in coats and mittens, collecting toys or snacks as distractions, and getting everyone buckled into their seats — this is all time that you can eliminate by combining chores that require you to get in the car.

2. Know your kids’ routine — custody officers and judges dont give a shit about when your kid takes a nap or normally eats lunch. But if you’re negotiating a custody schedule, keep these routines in mind and try to prevent the court from interfering with this time by applying thoughtless schedules. And, in many cases, mom is going to encourage schedules which cause you difficulty, even at the expense of the children. Know this ahead of time so you can try to avoid these conflicts — dont allow the court to dictate that you will pick up your children at noon if they usually eat at noon and it takes you 45 minutes to get home with them. Instead, try to push the time up to 11:30 so you can be home in time to maintain their own schedule. If your kids usually wake up around 8am, dont agree to drop them off at mom’s until you’ve had time to give them breakfast and get them ready for the day. You are the guardian of your child’s routine, and even if (especially if) the other people involved in scheduling their time dont seem to care, it’s up to you to make things as easy for the kids as possible.

3. Be creative — Geekdad includes advice on when to schedule dentist appointments:

Tuesday through Friday, between 10:30am and noon, or 1:30 to 3pm.

* Why? Those are generally the slowest times at the dentist’s office. By scheduling yourself or your kids then, you’ll avoid the morning rush of 9-to-5ers who swing by the dentist on their way to work, during lunch, or on their way home.
* Hint: Always avoid Mondays. That’s when dental offices fill up with emergency holdovers from the weekend.

I’m glad I didnt see that item before I was scheduling my kids’ dentist appointments. In order to coincide with their custody schedules, I always bring the boys to the dentist on Monday mornings following a weekend when they are with me. This has never been a problem — I’ve even been able to keep mom notified early enough to avoid issues with me bringing the boys to her house “late” on these days. Dont ever accept the custody schedule at face value — life requires flexibility, on everyone’s part. You are the parent — you are entitled to be able to figure out ways to solve a problem outside of normal schedules. Custody courts dont appreciate conflict between parents, but they also want the parents to be able to figure out how to be flexible on their own — by coming up with creative and reasonable solutions to scheduling issues, you are doing everyone a favor, the kids most of all.

Do check out the link to Geekdad’s article. Many divorced dads are unsure about how to integrate normal chores into schedules that include taking care of the kids, and there is some good advice there. But above all, know your own situation so that you can make the kinds of decisions your kids need you to make.

The idea of Parental Alienation, controversial in itself, isnt so widely known as it should be. Whether it fits or deserves to fit into a clinical or legal category of behavior, when we examine what it means, it is obvious that it happens. Wikipedia defines Parental Alienation Syndrome like this:

a putative disorder proposed by Richard A. Gardner as “a disturbance in which children are obsessively preoccupied with depreciation and/or criticism of a parent. In other words, denigration that is unjustified and or exaggerated.” Although Parental Alienation Syndrome has not gained official recognition as a psychological disorder, case law has recognized it in child custody disputes.

So, Parental Alienation, whether a disorder or a crime or not, is when a child is exposed to and responds in kind to criticism of one or both of his parents. As divorced fathers, it’s not tough to find examples of when this has happened. Most of the controversy has to do with how this criticism affects children in the long-term. But it does happen, and it’s not limited to the other parent, either. Children become alienated from their fathers when courts make biased judgments against them, keeping them from their dads for reasons absent of evidence or cause. Children become alienated from their fathers when mothers make “kitchen-table complaints” — a term I just invented to describe those conversations had between adults in the home where kids are within earshot, even at the table — about dad’s “problems,” be they problems that might have contributed to the divorce or behaviors that mom doesnt agree with even after the separation.

And children become alienated from their fathers when the classroom environment includes decisions, questions or models of behavior that exclude the child’s second home, second set of parents, or even their second set of experiences. This can include encouraging the child to learn only one home phone number and address, or always asking, “what did you do at mommy’s house this weekend?” or sending notes to one house but not the other (notes that parents refer to with their kids, and which the kids notice is missing from one house), or including only one parent in extracurricular activities. Of course, as the kids grow up, the situations will be different, and I’m sure I’m only listing a small number of possible scenarios.

But we can do things to counter this, and so I’ve made a list.

1. Use the term carefully. Some people know what you’re talking about when you say “Parental Alienation.” But even if they dont, when they hear it for the first time, it just sounds bad. There’s a damn good reason for this — it is bad. But you dont want to create an automatically confrontational relationship or exchange unless you have to. I’m not suggesting that you never use those words, just that you use them with care. If you think the teacher is acting in good faith but might be making some mistakes in how she handles or acknowledges your child’s relationship with you, then you may want to focus on the behavior and not the phrase. If any bad situations continue, especially after you’ve specifically addressed them, then it may become valuable to introduce the term, so that the teacher fully understands how serious you are, and how serious the situation is.

2. Be specific. Yes, your child’s teacher is supposed to be (and probably is) a highly trained and intelligent individual, and it’s completely reasonable for you to expect him or her to be able to keep track of which kids in the class have any kind of unique home situation — be it a shared custody arrangement, being raised by grandparents or other non-parent relatives, or one involving a sibling or parent with an illness or other severe affliction. However, making valid but vague complaints about something he or she might be doing at some point in the course of a busy school day, over a period of several weeks or months, can actually make the problem worse, either because the teacher may be unlikely or unwilling to believe you, not being able to refer to something tangible that can be remembered and put in context, or because there isnt an “action item” against which to judge or compare future behavior. You need to be able to say, “this is what I see,” and “this is what I’d like to see.”

3. Pay attention. This may seem obvious. Of course you pay attention to your kids and their school. To do less would be bad parenting, and you’re not reading this blog because you’re a bad father. But the school day is long and complex. Consider a day at work for you, and the sheer quantity of relationships and projects or tasks you encounter on a given day. In one day alone, you may have a conversation with your boss, ten conversations with your co-workers, or more, and you may cross off a half-dozen or more tasks from your to-do list. Or you may have to deal with a hundred customers, or put together a thousand widgets, or clean dozens of floors and windows. Whatever you do during the course of your workday probably pales in comparison to what your child does at school. Personally, I sit at a desk, work on electronic files and reports, talk to a small group of coworkers about various projects, and have two or three meetings to attend. On the other hand, my oldest son has a half-dozen ‘subjects’ during each day, covering math, reading, science, art, music, gym, computers, etc. Add to that time for two recesses, a lunch period, and free time, and you have a pretty full day for a pretty small kid. And during each of those activities, a teacher is present, providing support, answers, guidance or just a leadership role in the community of the classroom. And we all know how tough it can be for a young child to talk about anything that happens at school, much less everything. So we can make a conscious attempt to learn about what our kids are experiencing at school in a number of different ways, and it’s going to benefit everyone, and it will help us provide the teachers with important feedback. One trick I learned from Parent Hacks is to turn the practice of telling each other about our days into a game — we go around the table taking turns telling each other about 3 Things We Did Today. The trick is, one of the Things is pretend. So me, my wife, and the boys will try to trick each other by making up something that could have happened, but didnt. This encourages them (and us) to think about what we did or what made us laugh today, or what we saw today, etc. The possibilities are endless, and before we know it, we’re learning more about what our kids experience each day. Another way to get kids to talk about school is to expand on what we talk about with them when we go over their homework. Instead of just talking about the questions or problems they answered in their homework, ask them about what else the class did that day to learn those concepts, or, if part of the schoolwork they brought home included open-ended questions, ask them about what some of the other kids had as their answers. Even asking our kids if they enjoyed recess today can spur them to remember something they’d like to share. And keep in mind — we’re not doing this in order to cull secret information about how their teachers are treating them, we’re doing this to learn about their experiences and how they see school from their own eyes, and it is that peek into their lives which can give us clues about their development, which can include their experiences with teachers as well as fellow classmates, all of which are important details that we benefit from learning, and the kids benefit from sharing. And by making these exchanges become part of our routine with our children, it can help provide insight into possible problems that they might be having, in any shape or form, including the topic at hand.

4. Be positive. Maintaining a positive outlook in many areas of our lives can be compromised by a problematic relationship with our children’s other parent or a complicated and adversarial custody situation. Nevertheless, it bears repeating that our children benefit from smiles more than from frowns, no matter what the situation is or how serious it can become. If we remember to approach possibly harmful situations with a positive attitude, remembering to focus on solutions instead of problems, and keeping in mind that others will treat our emergencies more productively in a collaborative and forward-thinking environment, we can have a good deal of influence on some of the people who might be inadvertently making mistakes in how they teach our children. Further, this approach can provide an automatic “out” for the teacher who, once approached, immediately sees the problem as real and important, and who wants to do a better job, or at least do right by their students, but who might otherwise feel attacked. This is especially important, again, if we are introducing the problem for the first time. Remember that there was a time when we didnt know what Parental Alienation was, even though we might have known divorced parents or children of divorced parents. And, even if just once, if we give the teacher the benefit of the doubt, we are setting them up to provide better classroom surroundings for our kids.

5. Be strong. Ah, yeah – we’re dads, so we’re always strong, right? Thats what people think, but it’s not always the case. Do not, under any circumstances, allow your self-doubt about your value as a parent to prevent you from standing your ground and standing up for what you know to be right, especially in this case, when it has to do with your children. Your instincts are just as valuable as mommy’s instincts, and if you notice behavior in your child’s teacher that requires feedback and correcting, point it out. Use as part of your confidence this list — it pays to be careful, and specific, and attentive, and positive, but most of all, it pays to be strong and to stick to your guns. Some may disagree (I dont), but Parental Alienation can, in many cases, turn into an irreversible problem, and the things that your child’s first-grade teacher instills in your child may have ramifications five, ten years from now. At the same time, as a parent who has chosen to be involved and investing in your child’s life, you are in a unique position to make sure that your child grows up with both parents — a critical factor in their growth and development into adulthood. You owe it to your child to be on the lookout for potentially dangerous situations, be they traffic accidents or harmful propaganda. By protecting them from Parental Alienation, you are not only affirming your role in their lives, but also the role of the other parent, and this is, therefore, despite the sometimes sneers you might get, a superbly heroic endeavor. You should congratulate yourself for being such a great parent, in fact, that you are insisting on remaining in their lives. Dont let the mistakes or assumptions of others get in the way of your parenting.

Some people claim that Parental Alienation isnt as bad as it seems, or isnt permanent, or isnt something that can be controlled. But I’ve found that those people who feel that way are usually invested in that belief to some degree, which doesnt make it true, and in fact gives them a bad reason for doubting it in the first place. These people include the parent doing the alienating, the court system, which benefits from an imbalance in custody orders, and anyone else who wants to insist that the children grow up in an environment that isnt the best for them, like grandparents who dont like the fact that their grandkids arent always at mommy’s house every single weekend.

But most of us have seen Parental Alienation up close and personal, and we dont have to accept it just because it’s difficult to deal with. Our child’s school is, as I said, a huge part of their lives, and by focusing on every aspect of it, including teacher influence, we are doing right by our kids, and we can always take comfort in doing right by our kids.

The list includes picture and chapter books, works of fantasy and verse. At the top is The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. Between that and Number 20, Peter Pan, you’ll find Winnie the Pooh, The Cat in the Hat, and The Wind in the Willows.

It’s a great list to keep handy. Of the 20, we own only six. Both Seven and Four enjoy reading on their own and being read to, and we are more than happy to both oblige and encourage their interest in literature. If I had to make, say, a half dozen suggestions for the list, I’d include:

• Where the Wild Things Are
• Sylvester and the Magic Pebble
• Pinocchio
• The Adventures of Huck Finn
• Mike Mulligan and His Steamshovel
• and, finally, the complete collection of age-appropriate works by the brilliant and timeless Shel Silverstein. Take your pick from The Giving Tree, Uncle Shelby’s ABZ Book, or one of his books of verse, like Where The Sidewalk Ends.

A recent Newsvine article, and its subsequent conversation, by LucidCommunication, called “America’s Literary Apathy,” explored the unfortunate trend of American children becoming less and less interested in reading. It doesnt matter if we’re talking about fiction, journalism, history or poetry — our children are slipping away from the written word. Lucid, a talented writer himself, clearly summarizes the issue, how to approach it, and how profound its effect on society might be,

The solution to the problem begins with awareness ourselves. Read a book this month. Start with one. Re-discover the genre you enjoy, and read it. Encourage your children to read. Make it enjoyable. Force it to take priority over screen time. We’ve created a difficult battle for ourselves, but it is not insurmountable. At least not yet. It will be soon, however, if we don’t begin to reverse the tide of disinterest in the written word.

I saw a recent post on BoingBoing describing how to make a little book pocket for the side of a bed. A few months ago, as a reward for a great progress report at school, we bought for Seven a lamp that clips on the headboard of his bed so he can read at night. And, even more exciting for parents like my partner and I, Seven has taken to journaling at night, as well.

The boys sleep in a bunkbed — Seven on top and Four underneath. The book pocket idea is going to make a nice gift in the near future — it has that attraction of being unique and clever, like a detail in a Seuss drawing, which kids find appealing, and its functional purpose seems a good way to continue to encourage reading by building it, literally, into their home. Sure, they receive books for Christmas and birthdays, and reading is a regular event here. But by providing these little “extras,” we are helping create for them a fun environment that happens to include literature, in all its forms. The pocket and the lamp, though designed for reading and writing, do not demand a certain genre or theme or even a certain medium. They are both merely accessories for the active reader, who will put them to use in their own way.

Embracing literature sounds dull and pointless — embracing literature for what, exactly? The answer cant be self-contained; it must transcend literature itself. One of the most important reasons that I am a divorced father is that I embrace literature, and: why? to what end? To live a life of artistic integrity. I ended up settling in marriage because I was choosing to neglect my instincts to surround myself with reading and writing. So it’s natural, I think, for us to provide, without pressure, an environment which includes the possibility of ranking literature high on the list of interests.

And this is more than just providing a hobby for the kids. We need a literate society. The most influential ideas throughout history have been communicated and distributed via the written word. As we see the evolution of media in the internet, despite the clutter, it is still the written word out there defining ideas and bringing people together.

Being a divorced dad gives us the opportunity to focus on some of these child-rearing plans by making them distinct from the “other” house. I look at it as a chance to make those things I so strongly value stand out from the background. Surely the boys, like most children of divorced parents, have more than they need in terms of environmental stimulation. As such, I feel it is deeply important to define this environment in a distinct way — in a consistent and visible way. I dont intend to force onto our children a career or lifestyle choice, but I intend to express to them how important reading is to us, and how valuable it can be for them.

At the very least, they will develop a consciousness of the written word. They may not end up writing novels or owning a bookstore, but they are growing up with the distinct knowledge that reading is vital and that the tools of reading — lamps, accessories, bookmarks and journals — can fall into the “fun” category that includes toys, homemade forts and DIY Batman outfits.

And I was inspired to read that article and to write this post by a friend at Newsvine.

A new trend from our northern neighbors is sweeping trendy parts of America, notably our Great Northwest. It does seem counter-intuitive, though — our Great Northwest is known these days not so much for where the pure and intelligent hippies went but rather for the precision with which it adapted and rolled out trends which have served to shape our society — Microsoft and grunge arent entirely disconnected movements, which can be easily seen (or heard) by listening to most ClearChannel “rock” over the past 10 years, which has taken the Teen Spirit and run it through as many digital filters it could find. Even though fans of the form find it distasteful, American pop music has gone directly from Alice in Chains to Nickelback, and nobody is winning in that regard.

So now we have Empathy Babies, who come to us from “Roots of Empathy,” a product of a Newfoundland kindergarten teacher. The idea was to use the natural and innocent reactions of babies to impress upon older children the valuable concept of empathy. Empathy, here, seems a strange victim of today’s hyper-commercial nanny state. But only at first. Empathy is defined as the ability to recognize and directly feel, or associate with, the feelings of another person. Empathy, as many of learned somewhere between The Hardy Boys and Julius Caesar, is distinct from sympathy, which is the acknowledgement or understanding of another person’s feelings.

In each, the fllter, or set of information, is usually the same. But for empathy to arise in an individual, that individual must, even for a very short time, identify with the feelings of another person. After reading both the WSJ article and the Roots of Empathy website, I’m not sure that the people in charge of this program actually understand the difference between empathy and sympathy. It seems that the reactions they are looking for, in the target crowd of youngsters, are compassion, understanding and sympathy.

Empathy is a tough one. It’s a lofty goal, but one not easily molded from the abstract into something that teachers or students can definitively recognize. The Wikipedia entry on Empathy includes this list of similar emotions and, helpfully, describes the evidence we see in our person of interest:

Sympathy is, “I’m sorry for your sadness, I wish to help.”
Pity is, “Things are bad for you, you seem as though you need help.”
Emotional Contagion is, “You feel sad and now I feel sad.”
Empathy is, “I feel your sadness.”
Apathy is, “I don’t care how you feel. “
Telepathy is, “I read your sadness without you expressing it to me in any normal way.”

It is a stretch for even many adults, I’ve found, to feel true empathy for another person. But it’s not uncommon to see evidence of sympathy or compassion. On the other hand, perhaps what I’m really saying is that the evidence — the outward behavior — which seems to indicate sympathy — is more accessible from the cognitive standpoint as well as from the behavioral standpoint. So when we “teach” sympathy, are we really teaching sympathy or are we teaching how to behave sympathetically.

I suppose the hook regarding these Empathy Babies is that children, whose behavior and expressions of emotion are believed to be more direct, more “pure,” than those of adults. In this way, it makes sense, if we can agree that youngsters in school are able to behave consistent with sympathy in a more honest way than they will manage as they age, to target this younger group for emotional education. Lets step away from this analysis for a moment.

According to the article, the goal of the Empathy Babies program is:

…that children — typically from kindergarten to eighth grade — can learn by observing the emotional connection between the babies and their parents, who volunteer for the program and who are with them in the classroom. It’s part of a wave of programs aimed at boosting the “emotional literacy” of youngsters in schools by getting them to recognize and talk about their feelings rather than act out aggressively.

Emotional literacy, whether it draws out empathy or sympathy, is absolutely an important goal in our efforts to raise our children in a productive environment, a healthy environment, and a safe environment. The context, too, is obvious, and I’m introduced to a new euphemism. In this case, bullying is referred to as, “proactive aggression.” Interesting bit of language control there — these educators are perhaps trying to wrestle away the (non-existent, by the way) word “proactive” from the positive side of business communications and into the negative end of schooltime social dynamics. I’m not sure that I’d ever want to refer to a bully as being “proactive,” though. Maybe it’s my business-brain, conditioned through years of nonsensical performance reviews and financial goals. But I dont think so. I think of bullying as more of a reaction — thereby eliminating it from the context of “proaction,” which I will stop using for reasons of Common Sense. To bully is to react to a perceived slight. Bullies, we’ve been taught, are famously insecure and have relatively low self-esteem. Yes, they are aggressive, but only because they find a target who personifies the source of the bully’s insecurities.

But enough of that. These kinds of language inaccuracies — using language imprecisely, you will find, is one of my favorite targets of self-perceived intellectuals — run through the article and the program’s literature, but in such a way as to retain some respectable degree of consistency. We are, then trying to teach our children that other children (especially more helpless ones) have real feelings, which can be explained, understood, and responded to, in a positive way. This is very good information for children to have beaten into the little minds. I’m just not sure how much this actually accomplishes. Here is an event taken from one of the group’s “experiments” (which apparently dont need to conform to any particular “adult”-sized ethical boundaries):

Mary Gordon, the 60-year-old founder of Roots of Empathy, has experienced this unruliness firsthand. A few years ago, Ms. Gordon, a former kindergarten teacher from Newfoundland, led a visit of an empathy class at a Toronto school for Adrienne Clarkson, then the governor general of Canada, and her husband, the novelist John Ralston Saul. The visitors were to see an exercise showing how the baby reacted to novelty.

After the empathy baby’s mother put a spoonful of spinach in her daughter’s mouth, the infant arched back, gave her mother a look and sprayed everything green within a 2-foot radius in front of her, says Ms. Gordon.

The class’s conclusion: The baby’s first reaction was to withdraw from new experiences rather than embrace them.

Honestly, thats not my first reaction, nor would it be my conclusion. My conclusion would have something to do with the well-known (among empathetic parents everywhere) immaturity of our children’s tastebuds, especially as they relate to vegetables (see the section called “Food Neophobia”). Because, honestly, the idea of a new toy or a new game or a new face very often inspires positive reactions from infants. So, while these children may be learning how to initiate the process of feeling empathy, or sympathy, what-have-you, we might need to do a better job with the big picture of Emotional Literacy.

Another good example of how this article made me feel just the slightest bit uneasy:

The 8-year-old says the class has helped teach him how to understand how his baby brother is feeling. “When his face is pale white, I know he’s happy, and when it’s bright red, I know he’s mad,” he says.

I think it might be a better idea for that 8-year-old to learn about the symptoms of hypoxia, which can indicate a seizure, severe anemia or, as I learned first hand when Seven (our seven-year-old) went pale after a dose of infant’s cough syrup, vasovagal syncope.

Further descriptions of what happens to these elementary-aged children after being exposed to drooling, crapping, screaming infants seems to point to a more behavioral-based reaction model, which is consistent with the idea that children at this age are amazingly able to absorb information coming at them from all directions. They are too young to start having to filter out any of the bad stuff. And so, exposure at this age to the bad stuff — the kinds of emotions deserving of a little empathy, after all, while it’s not necessarily a bad thing and might quite possibly be rather productive, I have doubts as to how focused their learning is on the empathetic values of human relationships. It’s more likely, I think that these kids are reacting using the language that they have been introduced to by their eager, trend-setting educators.

But, of course, the Course does provide evidence:

In studies involving more than 2,000 children over the past seven years, the University of British Columbia in Vancouver found a drop in aggressive behavior among students who were in classrooms with empathy babies, while there were typically increases in aggressive acts among comparison groups that didn’t take the course. In one study, researchers found 88% of those children who displayed “proactive aggression” — another term for bullying — showed less aggressive behavior after taking a Roots of Empathy course.

Not exactly overwhelming evidence, and I’d like to see more long-term studies, including a peek into how these students who were exposed to empathy babies self-identify using words like compassion and empathy once they grow up into functioning adults, whose lack of even sympathy is apparent on a daily basis to many who pay attention. It’s easy, even during these chaotic days of youth, to control a child’s cognitive environment in such a way as to focus their words and behavior in certain ways. And having a school environment with fewer bullies is welcome news to children and teachers alike. But I’d be curious to know about any long-lasting effects, especially since I’m sitting here not much trusting the behavioral-cognitive connection that these educators infer from their charges.

But what is clear is that the program is expanding. I know that Seven, in the first grade, has been exposed to information about bullies. His school hall walls are lined with reminders and catchy phrases to be on the lookout for bullies everywhere, and I pray that he and his brother have better experiences than I did at that age. I’m just not sure that having them study infants is really the best way to accomplish this.

I’m reminded of a dog-eared copy of some parenting magazine I was reading at my doctor’s office recently. Parenting magazines are certainly not on the cutting edge of social change — as we dads know all too well, they can barely muster a mention of a paternally-driven young man, despite the evidence — but sometimes these trusty volumes can show us what we already know. This particular magazine had as its cover focus the idea of putting our children into volunteering efforts. And that idea immediately struck a chord with me.

Taking a child to a retirement home for an afternoon of reading, or sharing their pets, or donating a birthday present to a child in need — at the hospital or holiday drive alike — reinforces unstaged contact with truly sympathetic situations. We did this recently — it wasnt our idea, at first, but one of Seven’s friends had, as her birthday party wish, a request for all gifts to be sent to the local hospital instead of brought to her party. A few months later, Seven found himself doing an overnight at the ER (another story for another time) — perfectly okay, healthwise, just a little maternal panic. And while I was enjoying the opportunity to cuddle up with him in the afternoon on the hospital bed watching Scooby-Doo movies, a nurse’s aid from the pediatrics unit paid a visit to us. It happened to be Seven’s birthday this time, and she brought him a gift.

And thats when I realized that the gifts that we had at one time donated to the hospital were now, in a way, making themselves come full-circle.

And so Seven got to see first-hand what it meant to need a gift like that in that setting, and that, more than all of the time he’d spent watching his younger brother grow up, spit up, mess up, and generally be a baby, was a unique teaching opportunity for the lessons of true empathy. So while I’ll still be on the lookout for trendier substitutes, might I recommend a donation or two, or a trip or three to your local hospital or retirement home or soup kitchen. They are old enough, even so young, to take part, to lend a hand, and to learn a lesson.

Technorati Tags: kids, children, empathy, education, toddlers, infants

Top 5 Middle-of-the-Night Fever Remedies, in the order we applied them:

1. Cool, damp washcloth applied to neck, forehead and temples, repeatedly
2. Popsicle
3. A Gatorade slushie
4. Ice cream run through the blender
5. Bath and, as a bonus item:
6. Children’s medicine to reduce fever — only to be used if the fever is around 102.

I’ve found it best to apply these remedies liberally. Once you take the child’s temperature the first time, it does wonders for your sense of worry to get the fever down as much as possible before taking his temperature again. And as we all know, kids sense our worries pretty quickly.

For the same reason, I think it’s important to make the middle-of-the-night fever seem as ordinary as possible to your toddler. Get him out of his room, turn on some dim lights, and get to work as Daddy Doctor on the couch in front of the TV. Even though you can sometimes find an appropriate cartoon on the Disney/Nick Jr/Cartoon Network group of channels, this is a good time to put a kids DVD or your TIVO’ed programs to use. You dont want to be channel surfing at the turn of the hour, when Scooby Doo ends and something violent or otherwise inappropriate comes on while your child is running low on his slushie or needs to run to the bathroom.

By treating the situation as calmly as you can, you are putting your child in a peaceful setting and giving him the opportunity to show you when he starts to feel better. Many toddlers have a hard time calming down if they’ve been woken up by a fever; they may have had a nightmare, or they may just react to the overall crappy feeling with a nonstop crying jag.

The site linked above — KidsHealth.org — points out that, while the fever is an important symptom, the associated behaviors are just as important to monitor. What you’re looking for in your child, to be sure your treatments are successful, are these factors:

• still interested in playing
• eating and drinking well
• is alert and smiling at you
• has a normal skin color
• looks well when his or her temperature comes down

So creating a comfortable environment enables you to watch for these additional symptoms, and to be on the lookout for other symptoms, which, regardless of fever, may require medical attention. The link above includes a detailed list of warning signs, including vomiting, persistent fever, rashes, severe headaches, limpness or difficulty breathing, among others.

But lets say your child accepts your treatment. If he’s laying on your bed in the dark, still crying or just upset, you’re not going to encourage him to act normally and therefore present the kinds of behavior you’re looking for to ease your mind that he’s OK. This is why it’s important to provide that comfortable environment.

Last night, by the time little Four got to the bath stage, he was starting to feel better. He stopped crying somewhere between the popsicle and the ice cream, spurred on by a particularly funny episode of Ren and Stimpy. In the bath, we didnt want to over-stimulate him so much that he wouldnt want to go back to sleep, so as a toy we introduced a purple washcloth. You may laugh — but this kept him occupied for about 20 minutes, which was about as long as the tub kept the lukewarm water at a good temperature. As he played, he became more and more active and eventually began laughing and generally having a hell of a good time with his washcloth — experimenting with the physics of it — laying it flat on the surface of the water, tossing it against the tiles and splashing water on it until it slipped back into the bath, and turning it into a little ball.

By this time, he gladly accepted the thermometer under his tongue and the fever had come down to 99 degrees and he was ready to get back in bed. We were all relieved, and the rest of the night was uneventful.

But if we had kept him in his bed during his treatment, or made too big a deal of it in front of him, we might not have seen so clearly the results of what we were doing for him. This is especially important, and perhaps counter-intuitive, for these middle-of-the-night fevers, when we have to be a bit more deliberate in taking the necessary steps to allow him to show interest in playing, to smile and laugh, and to react in an alert way to his surroundings.

As divorced dads, we are often criticized no matter what we do in these circumstances. The general attitude seems to be that as fathers we are bound to miss something important or wait too long to react. But as parents, we know that our concerns are real. It can sometimes be tough to balance our intuition (dads have intuition, too) with the worry that comes from repeated criticism, but by remembering a few simple rules of thumb, and by not being afraid to trust ourselves, we can see, in our children, how successful we can be at the most important tasks of parenthood. We may not be able to spend every night with our kids, but by being ourselves, we’re not only providing critical care but also the kinds of memorable moments that we, and our kids, can look back on with pride and comfort.

This isnt meant to be another retread of another blog by another father. This is a blog about being a father in a shared-custody arrangement. Our challenges are unique and interesting, and I hope to write about those challenges in a way which both informs and assists most humbly all the other fathers out there who are dealing with similar situations. And I think that what we discuss here at Daddy’s Time blog will be of interest to parents everywhere.

As we know, western society is not particularly supportive of the paternal role of men in families. We hear lots about how the paternal role of men throughout history has adversely affected politics and society, but when it comes to parenting, fathers are often left to fend for themselves and are rarely acknowledged in most serious discussions about parenting in general.

I hope to change that, even in some small way. While we may be under-appreciated, we’re certainly not useless. The role a father plays in a child’s life, from birth to adulthood and beyond, is one of the most critical relationships in a person’s life, for both the father and the child. We’re going to celebrate that relationship here, and we’re going to focus on it from a real-time point of view.

I am the father of two young boys who are just now getting to school age. As we progress, we’ll all learn more about one another. The boys’ mother and I have been separated/divorced for nearly five years. While it was anything but easy, my new family and I have managed to gain a decent amount of Daddy’s Time. We’re not done yet, but, when it comes to this blog, we’re just getting started.

So grab a chair, grab a feed or just bookmark the site. We’re in this for a lifetime, after all.