Requiem for our Team

The baseball season ended at 11:30 Saturday morning. Not for you, I know, and certainly not for the professional athletes still a few games away from halfway through their millionaire romp towards September or, if they’re lucky, all the way to October and a bigger paycheck.

But it ended for the Hershey Little League Colts 9 team sponsored by Hershey Realty or, as we liked to call ourselves, the Blue Jays. And my royal blue coach’s jersey hangs soaked in sweat and rain over the chair in the next room.

Waking up in the morning, we werent entirely free of concern about whether we’d pull off the game at all. We knew going in that at least two of our best players would be out of town. Friday night’s weather report threatened rain, even thunderstorms. Recent real storms had forced us to reschedule this final game at least twice and to move the field just as many times, to make way at the main league field for older age group playoffs.

When I arrived at the field, our little boys in blue were playing catch on the infield dirt. As I did before every game, arriving between 20-30 minutes before the first pitch, I made a quick count of our players. Normally, each team fields 10 kids – one for every normal infield position and four outfielders. There were twelve kids on our roster, but not since the second game did we have a full crew all at once, so, for most games, each kid was able to play the whole game without substitution. When I got to the field on Saturday, I counted 8. By the time we called “play ball!”, two more – the brother and sister pair – had made it to the field.

Unfortunately, our opponents for the day, dressed in yellow, were six kids short of a team. A few players and even some coaches for the other side thought that we werent playing until 3 in the afternoon, so we delayed the start of the game for almost a half hour to give everyone time to arrive. We juggled the lineups and field positions just so we could get the game in, and for the first two innings, we lent our opponents in the yellow jerseys two outfielders. And we inserted coaches as catchers for most of the game and pitchers for the entire game in order to occupy more positions in the field.

These are but minor details. We started late, but there was no game behind us, so we were in no rush, and nobody in the park, players, coaches or parents alike, had any desire to forfeit the last game of the season for any reason. The game would go on. It had to.

With our two best hitters – who were also the most reliable gloves – absent, the pressure was on me to offer up some slow sweet pitches, giving the kids the best chance at putting the bat on the ball. Still, it took us about three innings to find our hitting groove, and before we knew it, we were losing 12-0. There is no worse feeling for a pee-wee baseball coach than striking out three batters in a row. Each inning, I moved a little closer to the plate, trying to reduce the vertical curve of the ball without throwing it too hard. But as I got closer, they got better, and four times I had to duck all the way to the dirt to avoid getting hit in the face with a mean line drive.

We had our standard problems and beautiful small victories, despite the early score. We even had a double play, and every one of our kids was able to get on base at least once. Thats a big deal – these are 7- and 8-year-olds. Next year, a full third will probably have turned in their gloves for video games or music lessons. At 7 and 8, just about every boy and girl tries soccer and baseball, but attrition comes quick. We had our share of clover-pickers and daydreamers, but by the end of the season, every kid, from the best to the least best, had improved greatly in their own way. My son was one of the most improved from start to finish – this being his first season playing the sport. In April and May, my playing catch with him meant that I had to throw my back out, reliably, having to bend down on every throw just to pick the ball back up off the grass. But when we played catch a few nights ago, he was throwing it right to me and he was catching most of my throws as well. And his batting went from shy and nervous to confident and quick, and when he first rounded third and headed for home about midway through the season, with me fortuitously manning the 3rd base coach spot and waving him home, earning a probably over-done hug from his old man, he didnt stop there – he’s been getting better every game.

He wasnt the only one. We had a few nice pop fly catches, a great throw from shortstop to first, and they even got the hang of backing each other up.

<img style=”max-width: 800px;” src=”http://www.remnants.nine9pages.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/out-of-the-dugout.jpg” width=”354″ height=”532″ /><div align=”center”><small><i>Out of the dugout and onto the field.</i></small></div><br />

There were still some little league moments, where we looked like the Bad News Bears. Jordan took a shot to the nose – playing in left field, a pop fly bounced a few feet in front of him and took a bad hop right at his face. We took him off the field and iced his nose for only a few minutes before he was wiping away the tears and running back out onto the field.

The drama of the game took on an extra bit of excitement when the dark clouds moving towards us from the west opened up for a 5-minute drenching downpour. We were in the field, and our kids suddenly leapt to life. Like a dozen blooming flowers our strange gang of first and second graders jumped with joy and yelped with glee, thrilled with the weather and very quickly soaked to the bone. And I was in the midst of it, standing next to my oldest son in left-center field, giving guidance and encouragement to our team, letting them know where the play was and reminding them to pay attention. Suddenly my youngest son ran out onto the field to stand next to me, his short-cropped hair and white shirt soaked all the way through and grinning from ear to ear. He wasnt there for any reason other than to try to share some of what the team was feeling, and there was no way I was going to tell him to get off the field. He was fine right where he was.

By the end of the game every kid and coach on the field and every parent and sibling sitting on the bleachers increasingly revealed the same intense yearning, as if driven by some psychic magnetism, to hold fast to the diamond. Even though we never caught up in the score, both teams were having so much fun that we extended the game a full two extra innings, and in the last inning we ignored the outs and just let both teams bat around.

Nobody wanted to go home. We had an up and down season, some good games, some frustrating ones. Some tears and some surprises, and our share of pouting and shuffling bored back to the dugout, dropping balls, running the wrong way, and bumps, scrapes and bruises. And at least once a game I found myself tying someone’s shoe, and we even had a surprise appearance by a baby toad in the outfield. But as this last game neared the final out, and the storm clouds had given way to blue skies, the atmosphere seemed to murmur the melancholic gratitude we all shared – a season, or any similar experience, doesnt need to be perfect or brilliant or unbeatable in order to be memorable – in order to be something we never want to let go of.

I wasnt the head coach. I volunteered before the first practice and it was the best decision I’ve made in quite some time. It was an experience I’ll never forget, but it was also the kind of experience that can inspire more of the same. We can always look back on the pictures and videos we made during this season, but those tangible reminders dont need to be all that endures as a result of what we did this year. Both of my sons made new friends because of this team. I made new friends, too. And I got to be the first to congratulate so many kids on things they had never done before – their first hit, their first double play, their first run, their first catch. Giving them high-fives, hugs and fist bumps, when their emotions are quivering excitedly between shock and impossibly pure joy, is like nothing else in the world.

When, as adults, we can live vicariously through the developing emotional and physical education of our children and their friends, themselves growing to realize and appreciate what it mean to be part of a team, it finally makes me believe that we can get high on life.

So I’m sad tonight, because it’s over. My jersey is hanging there. My partner and I must have lamented about the end of the season for more than an hour after we got home today, reminiscing about all the good times we shared. But I’m also happy, because I know that it’s only this season that has ended – and because this season is the start of something that can last for a very long time, if we want it to. It doesnt matter if it inspires another baseball season, or a set of piano lessons, or a new adventure in camping, painting or learning how to hustle friends at the poker table. The inspiration is there for us to do with it as we choose.

So this goes out to all of our kids – Cameron, Jack C., Jack E., Jackson, Jonathan, Jordan, Kieran, Liberty, Luke, Miles, Wyatt and Zach. I love you all. And to our coaches, Vinnie and Brian, and our volunteers who stepped up to help whenever we needed help – Carly and Jake and Dan the Bat Man, and everybody else. And to every kid we played against, and all the coaches in between. I’m grateful to all of them for letting me in on their ride, and I always will be. So even when the rain washes our footprints away from today’s dirt, I’m pretty sure we’ll be able to find our way back the way we came, whichever direction it points us in down the road.

Days of joy for fathers

GeekDad has another reliably interesting list today — Father’s Day Gift Suggestions.

I’m sort of a geek — it’s my fault the boys are fully invested in Star Wars, including the endlessly exciting Lego Star Wars Nintendo game. But, with a nod to GeekDad, I thought I’d put together a list of things that readers of Daddy’s Time blog might have on their gift lists.

So, in no particular order, here is a list of Father’s Day gifts appropriate for the single father or the divorced father, with some overlap between the two:

• A day with the kids, with no travel between houses involved. Just a Father’s Day when we can wake up with our kids in the next bedroom.
• A day free from harassing, attacking or complaining phone calls from the ex. If she wants to call and talk to the kids, thats fine — it’s welcomed. But if the phone conversations are made up of whining and moaning on her end telling a toddler how much she misses him and loves him and is sorry they arent together, then we dont want it.
• A day when the boys are dropped off wearing clothes that are in some way similar to the quality of clothes they left the house wearing. I’m tired of sending them to school in nice pants, collared shirts and underwear that fits only to have them returned in floods and stained shirts.
• A day of kids’ activities, attended by my wife and I as well as the boys’ mom, such as a tee-ball or soccer game, without angry stares, “look at me” loud talking or coddling the boys so much that they dont want to even get on the field.
• One day when my parental decisions arent questioned for the sake of questioning them. Just one.
• A day observed by courts, lawyers and police as one dedicated to the fact that fathers are parents just like mothers.
• One day where I am allowed to keep something more than 60% of my own paycheck instead of handing it over to the boys’ mother, who, along with her live-in boyfriend (as an example), work barely more than one full-time job but nevertheless live in a quaint McMansion in the quiet suburbs.
• Just one day to live in a non-rented home, where we can afford our own landscaping and appliances — a home our sons can brag about to their friends, with a backyard full enough of toys and games, bikes and trampolines.

Father’s Day has always been the second day for parents. And fathers always take a back seat to mothers whenever possible — going to the doctor, going to school, playing sports, going to birthday parties — the list goes on. A nice gift for divorced and single fathers, aside from just a day, would be for people to start seeing us as real parents — unique, competent and happy in our role as guides for our children’s youthful development.

So, with a few weeks to go before the official day, I’d like to extend a warm “Happy Day for Fathers” message to all my readers here and to fathers everywhere.

Getting the timing right

What’s the Right Time to Do Anything? | Geekdad from Wired.com

Geekdad offers some tips borrowed from a new Consumer Reports magazine called ShopSmart about the best days and times to engage in different activities or tasks with your children.

Having to work around a custody schedule can make some parenting tasks more difficult than they should be. I remember when my ex and I first separated — the custody schedule originally provided for me to spend mere hours a week with my kids. Seven (our seven-year-old) had always insisted that I be the one to cut his fingernails. He usually panicked around the clippers, but we had a little routine worked out where I would trim one nail at a time, pausing to ask him, “Did that hurt?”, and he’d smile and say, “Yes,” and I would move on to the next one. I respected his fear but didnt let it get in the way of doing what we had to do, and he enjoyed having the opportunity to own his feelings on the matter, even though it didnt really hurt.

But being allowed only a few hours each week didnt give us many opportunities for normal parent-child interactions. Since our time was so limited, I would pick him up and take him to the town library, where we would spend about 90 minutes reading and working on the public computers before I brought him back. But he still needed his fingernails to be cut, so we’d do this in the library’s family restroom.

At some point during a custody conference, the issue of trimming his nails came up, and the custody officer appeared horrified to discover that I was doing this in a public restroom instead of at home. That was the first time I had to restrain myself, but I still expressed a great deal of frustration, telling this idiot custody officer that if she had “granted” me the “privilege” of being able to spend more than 2 hours a week with my own children, I wouldnt have to conduct personal hygiene tasks in a public bathroom. She immediately shut up on the issue.

Geekdad’s suggestions include the best time to:

Grocery Shop with Your Kids? The day after the supermarket’s ads come out, and right after breakfast or lunch on weekdays.

* Why? This is when you can get good deals and there are plenty of on-sale items left in stock. When the aisles aren’t clogged with after-work and weekend shoppers, you’ll navigate faster with your cart and kids.
* Hint: If your kids have eaten before you leave, you’ll spend less on “gimme” items like fruit roll-ups and crackers. Also, bring snacks for your kids to munch on while you’re shopping.

Working around a custody schedule adds an extra layer to the challenge of finding the best times to get things done with your kids. What are some good methods of managing time in these circumstances?

1. Plan ahead — brief periods of custody time are compounded by travel time. If you’re spending part of your custody time just getting your kids from one place to the next, by planning ahead, you can combine trip times by doing some chores on the way home or on the way back to the ex’s house. But to do this takes planning — know ahead of time if you need to do grocery shopping before a weekday custody period, for instance. Especially with young kids, the act of getting in the car can take lots of time — tying shoes, bundling up in coats and mittens, collecting toys or snacks as distractions, and getting everyone buckled into their seats — this is all time that you can eliminate by combining chores that require you to get in the car.

2. Know your kids’ routine — custody officers and judges dont give a shit about when your kid takes a nap or normally eats lunch. But if you’re negotiating a custody schedule, keep these routines in mind and try to prevent the court from interfering with this time by applying thoughtless schedules. And, in many cases, mom is going to encourage schedules which cause you difficulty, even at the expense of the children. Know this ahead of time so you can try to avoid these conflicts — dont allow the court to dictate that you will pick up your children at noon if they usually eat at noon and it takes you 45 minutes to get home with them. Instead, try to push the time up to 11:30 so you can be home in time to maintain their own schedule. If your kids usually wake up around 8am, dont agree to drop them off at mom’s until you’ve had time to give them breakfast and get them ready for the day. You are the guardian of your child’s routine, and even if (especially if) the other people involved in scheduling their time dont seem to care, it’s up to you to make things as easy for the kids as possible.

3. Be creative — Geekdad includes advice on when to schedule dentist appointments:

Tuesday through Friday, between 10:30am and noon, or 1:30 to 3pm.

* Why? Those are generally the slowest times at the dentist’s office. By scheduling yourself or your kids then, you’ll avoid the morning rush of 9-to-5ers who swing by the dentist on their way to work, during lunch, or on their way home.
* Hint: Always avoid Mondays. That’s when dental offices fill up with emergency holdovers from the weekend.

I’m glad I didnt see that item before I was scheduling my kids’ dentist appointments. In order to coincide with their custody schedules, I always bring the boys to the dentist on Monday mornings following a weekend when they are with me. This has never been a problem — I’ve even been able to keep mom notified early enough to avoid issues with me bringing the boys to her house “late” on these days. Dont ever accept the custody schedule at face value — life requires flexibility, on everyone’s part. You are the parent — you are entitled to be able to figure out ways to solve a problem outside of normal schedules. Custody courts dont appreciate conflict between parents, but they also want the parents to be able to figure out how to be flexible on their own — by coming up with creative and reasonable solutions to scheduling issues, you are doing everyone a favor, the kids most of all.

Do check out the link to Geekdad’s article. Many divorced dads are unsure about how to integrate normal chores into schedules that include taking care of the kids, and there is some good advice there. But above all, know your own situation so that you can make the kinds of decisions your kids need you to make.

Welcome to Daddy’s Time

Hi and greetings and welcome one and all to Daddy’s Time blog.

This isnt meant to be another retread of another blog by another father. This is a blog about being a father in a shared-custody arrangement. Our challenges are unique and interesting, and I hope to write about those challenges in a way which both informs and assists most humbly all the other fathers out there who are dealing with similar situations. And I think that what we discuss here at Daddy’s Time blog will be of interest to parents everywhere.

As we know, western society is not particularly supportive of the paternal role of men in families. We hear lots about how the paternal role of men throughout history has adversely affected politics and society, but when it comes to parenting, fathers are often left to fend for themselves and are rarely acknowledged in most serious discussions about parenting in general.

I hope to change that, even in some small way. While we may be under-appreciated, we’re certainly not useless. The role a father plays in a child’s life, from birth to adulthood and beyond, is one of the most critical relationships in a person’s life, for both the father and the child. We’re going to celebrate that relationship here, and we’re going to focus on it from a real-time point of view.

I am the father of two young boys who are just now getting to school age. As we progress, we’ll all learn more about one another. The boys’ mother and I have been separated/divorced for nearly five years. While it was anything but easy, my new family and I have managed to gain a decent amount of Daddy’s Time. We’re not done yet, but, when it comes to this blog, we’re just getting started.

So grab a chair, grab a feed or just bookmark the site. We’re in this for a lifetime, after all.